Don't Let Go
by Rhiannon1
Summary: Relena feels that Heero is using her for physical pleasure. Can he convince her that he's not before it's too late? Rated R for slightly lemony scenes.


Title: Don't Let Go  
  
Author: Rhiannon  
  
Rating: HY x RP  
  
Notes: I've had this story sitting around for about a year, if not longer. It's finally done, and I'm finally happy with the way it turned out. I hope you all enjoy it…  
  
  
  
A loud crash on the balcony awakened Relena from a dead sleep. Her heart was racing, as she kicked off the covers and made her way over to the window. She looked out to see that a potted plant had fallen, probably because of the storm that was raging. Finding herself unable to go back to sleep, Relena stared out into the night as the wind blew the rain up against the window.  
  
'How is it that even a storm as violent as this can be so beautiful?' She mused. She soon walked back to her bed, favoring the comfort of warm blankets to the cold floor she'd been standing on. She was just beginning to nod off again when she heard her balcony door creak open. She remained still as she tried to listen for definite signs of an intruder. She distinctly heard the sound of some one dragging a chair over to her bedside.  
  
"Whoever you are, I suggest you get out of here now," Relena commanded. She was scared as hell of this person, but she didn't want him to see that.  
  
"Why?"  
  
That voice…  
  
"Heero? What are you doing here?" Relena asked bolting upright in bed.  
  
"I don't know. I went for a walk and I found myself here."  
  
"Heero…is something wrong?" She asked as she leaned over and turned on the bedside lamp.  
  
"No, nothing."  
  
"Heero! You're soaking wet!" Relena exclaimed unable to hide her concern. His jeans and supposedly waterproof jacket were completely soaked through.  
  
Heero looked down at himself as if just realizing for the first time that he'd been out in a storm, "So I am."  
  
"I'm going to get you a towel," she said as she bounded out of bed to the closet to get him a towel. She returned and handed it to him. He took it and wiped his face, but did little else.  
  
"Thank you," he said softly.  
  
"You're welcome, now are you going to tell me why you were out walking in the rain at this hour?"  
  
"I told you, I don't know why I'm here."  
  
'He looks so lost. What happened to you Heero?' She thought to herself. With a heavy sigh she walked over to where he sat and took the towel from his hands. She unfolded it and dropped it over his head. She began to dry his hair as best she could, she then put the towel around his shoulders and attempted to squeeze out as much water as she could from his clothes.  
  
"Why are you doing this?" He asked referring to her trying to get him dry.  
  
"I don't know, why are you here?" She asked trying to get a reason for why he had come.  
  
"Looks like neither of us has a reason for what we're doing huh?"  
  
"Looks that way," she replied.  
  
Heero abruptly stood up, startling Relena. She couldn't read the expression on his face as he neared her. Her eyes widened in surprise as Heero took her in his arms and held her tightly to him. He ran his hands through her hair gently. He traced the features of her face with his fingers, then without warning his lips claimed hers in a raw display of emotion. Almost as quickly as he had stood, he pushed her away.  
  
"I'm sorry, Relena. I don't know, I don't know." He said backing away from her. As he backed away, Relena put a finger to her lips marveling at how his kiss still lingered. She was dazed, unsure if she were merely dreaming all this.  
  
"Heero?"  
  
"I'm sorry!" He exclaimed believing she was upset with him.  
  
"There's no need to be sorry. Just tell me I'm not dreaming. Please tell me this isn't a dream," she whispered fearfully. Within an instant she was back in his arms and he was kissing her frantically.  
  
When he finally stopped kissing her, he said, "This is no dream. Believe me it's not."  
  
She stepped into his embrace and placed her head on his chest. It felt so safe there, so warm and right. He closed his arms around her and placed his cheek on top of her head. They stood like that for some time. Then, Heero once again began running his fingers through Relena's hair. He tilted her head and placed a kiss on her forehead. He then began placing butterfly kisses all over her cheeks, eyelids, and chin. He paused before placing a sweet, soft kiss on her lips. Then, without warning, he lifted her in his arms and carried her over to the bed.  
  
"Heero…what are you doing?" Relena asked.  
  
"I don't know, I honestly don't know…" He replied as he placed Relena on the bed, and levered himself over her.  
  
He lavished her with kisses and caresses the likes of which Relena had never been privilege to. He was gentle, reverent, and frantic all at the same time. Every time she touched him, he trembled with delight. Of all the things he had experienced this was the first that truly made him feel mighty as well as vulnerable. He displayed emotions so raw, and unbridled that Relena held tight to him and let Heero guide her though the most incredible night of her life. There were no barriers between them and, for the briefest of moments neither hid their true emotions. And neither deemed the consequences of their actions worthy of note until the morning came. When it was over, they lay together both completely sated and content. They held one another close and slept until morning.  
  
Heero awoke early, slightly unaware of his surroundings. 'How did I get here?' He thought to himself, 'I went for a walk and I went to see…'  
  
"Relena," he said aloud, his eyes widening as realized what he had done. Upon hearing her name, Relena stirred slightly, but thankfully didn't wake up.  
  
'Oh shit! I just made love to Relena…' Heero thought regretfully, 'No I didn't, I just had sex with her. It was a moment of weakness, it'll never happen again. It was just sex that's all.'  
  
'C'mon Mr. Perfect Soldier. You really expect to convince yourself that this was just a moment of weakness? That this was just sex??' A voice inside of Heero mocked.  
  
'Yes! That's all this was. I wasn't thinking straight,' Heero continued to convince himself.  
  
'You weren't thinking straight because of her. Face it Heero, you are smitten,' the voice inside of Heero countered.  
  
'It was just sex. I'll make myself scarce before she wakes up.'  
  
'Coward! You're afraid that if you look into those blue eyes of hers you won't be able to leave!'  
  
'No, I'm too strong for that. I just don't want to hurt her.'  
  
'Why don't you want to hurt her?'  
  
'I respect her and what she stands for. She embodies the ideals that I have battled for. It's because she is the embodiment of these ideals that I did this. Yes, I did this because she embodies the ideals I fought for.'  
  
'Bull. You came and made love to her. This wasn't sex, you made love to her because somewhere along the way you fell in love with her. She started getting under your skin the day you met her. She saved your life twice within the first few times you saw her. Once on the beach, the other time when Duo was shooting you. Whether you want to admit it or not, you love her.'  
  
'Yes, I know I love her,' Heero thought closing his eyes, 'But it's better for us both if I do it this way.'  
  
'You leave her now, it'll destroy everything innocent she has left inside of her.'  
  
'She's too strong for that.'  
  
'Not where you're concerned. You're her only weakness. She'd probably forsake peace if only to be with you.'  
  
'No she wouldn't. She's too strong. I don't want to hurt her, I've already hurt her too many times. I'll leave her now and then never talk to her again. It's the only way.'  
  
'You're a spineless bastard, you know that? You came here last night and without even really speaking to her, you poured out your heart and soul to her, and she let you with no regard for herself. She let you in and didn't even question what you did. She was afraid, but she so trusted you that she went along with it. You set her soul on fire, you brought her to life and now you're just gonna leave. Well isn't that nice of you?"  
  
'I'm an asshole, I know. But I can't do this.'  
  
'Why'd you come here and do this if you weren't ready for it? You should have waited until you were more emotionally stable. ::Sigh::, what's the use talking to you, trying to make you change your mind about what you're going to do is next to impossible. Go, but just remember, once you leave, you may never get her back again. A woman is very fragile. What she gave you last night cannot be replaced. She gave you her body and most importantly she gave you her heart and soul. Not very many people trust someone so completely that they give them everything, but last night she did. You're going to kill her if you leave.'  
  
'I'd better go before she wakes up.'  
  
'Coward.'  
  
'I know.'  
  
Heero quietly got out of the bed and began looking for his clothes. He was completely dressed and just about to leave when she woke up.  
  
"Heero?" She purred, "Where are you going?"  
  
"I have to leave now," he said, completely hiding his emotions.  
  
"But it's still early," she said sleepily, "Don't go now."  
  
"I think it's best if I leave now. I don't want to arouse any suspicion."  
  
"Oh, I guess that's a good idea then," she said rather disappointed, "Were you going to leave without saying goodbye?"  
  
"Yes, I thought it would be better if I did."  
  
"I'm not gonna let you get away with that Heero," Relena said as she got out of bed. She walked over to him, completely heedless of her nudity. She nestled herself in Heero's arms, and he couldn't help but hold her close. She leaned up and kissed him lightly on the lips.  
  
"I have to go now Relena," Heero said as he fought the urge to stay right where he was.  
  
"I know, bye Heero." Relena said as she looked up at him smiling brightly. Heero felt his heart skip a beat as he looked down at her smiling face. Everything in him was telling him to stay right where he was, but his iron will took hold and he let go of Relena. He walked to the balcony and left the way he came without looking back.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
'Focus Heero. This is a really important mission. You can't screw it up,' Heero thought to himself as he hacked through the security system of an Oz stronghold.  
  
'Hard to focus when you keep thinking of her huh?' Heero's inner voice asked.  
  
"Not you, not now," Heero whispered aloud as he typed away with superhuman speed and accuracy.  
  
'How long has it been since you last saw her? A month, maybe two?'  
  
'Two months, 15 days, 12 hours, and forty minutes. Do you need me to break it down for you in seconds too?' Heero thought bitterly.  
  
'No, that's fine. But really, for a guy who's not interested in her, you sure spend a lot of time visiting her in the middle of the night. How long has this been going on? Almost a year. This is one of the longest times you've stayed away. You're usually there with her once every two weeks. It's a wonder she hasn't gotten pregnant with as often you're there with her.'  
  
'Can you please shut up so I can work? I'm almost through the grid. Once I'm done, Duo and Wufei will go in and disable the factory or base or whatever it is!'  
  
'She's got you so hung up that you don't even know what you're hacking into? Really Heero, you need to do something about this. All this sneaking into her room in the middle of the night is taking its toll on you. You said you wouldn't go back after that night. You said it was only a moment of weakness, yet you've been back to be with her many times.'  
  
'I know that! It's just that I need to be reminded of what I'm still fighting for. Being a preventer isn't an easy thing. I just need her to remind me that total peace is worth protecting no matter what.'  
  
'Sure Heero. You just keep telling yourself that. You know it's killing her right?'  
  
'What's killing her?'  
  
'Every time you're with her, you take another piece of her soul and step on it. She's come to believe that the only reason you come to her is for sex. But she's so in love with you, that she'll take you any way she can get you…even if it means letting you use her.'  
  
'I'm not using her. I just don't know how to tell her. And I'm not going to tell her. It would only complicate matters. Things are going fine the way they are. She knows I'm not using her. She knows that I love her.'  
  
'You really think so? When you go to her, you don't say much. You open her balcony door, walk over to her bed and get in next to her. You say her name a few times to wake her up, you do your thing, she does hers, and then she wakes up alone. You're like a ghost to her, you're there but you're not. She doesn't know you love her. As far as she's concerned, the few moments you spend with her are insignificant to you.'  
  
'She knows. She has to!'  
  
'You just keep telling yourself that. And pay attention to your work, you've got an error.'  
  
"Shit!" Heero cursed as he noticed that his entry was incorrect. He corrected the error and finished hacking the system.  
  
"Wufei, Duo," Heero radioed, "I'm done here, get in and get out. You've got about thirty minutes before the system figures out it's been hacked."  
  
"Thirty minutes? You've gotta be kiddin man! Can't you buy us some more time?" Duo whined.  
  
"We'll be out in twenty. Come on Duo," Wufei concluded.  
  
"Twenty??"  
  
"You're wasting time Duo," Heero warned.  
  
"YEOW! Wu-man, let go of my hair!!"  
  
"As soon as I get this baka going, things will be fine. We'll meet you at the rendezvous point as soon as we're out of here," Wufei stated.  
  
"Actually, I won't be at the rendezvous point. Howard will meet you there," Heero replied.  
  
"Oh?" Wufei questioned.  
  
"Don't worry about it, get going," Heero ordered.  
  
"Roger that."  
  
  
  
Heero silently climbed up to Relena's balcony as he had done many times already. It was still farily early, and he hoped to catch Relena awake. As he jumped over the railing, he noticed that her light was still on, and she was alone watching tv.  
  
'Perfect,' he thought as he opened the door to her balcony. Upon hearing the door open, Relena jumped from her seat and whirled around to see who the intruder was.  
  
"Oh, it's just you," Relena said as she breathed a sigh of relief, then she looked at the clock, "Am I up late, or are you earlier than usual?"  
  
"I'm here early," Heero said uneasily.  
  
"Oh, that's fine then," Relena said as she walked over to him, "So, do you want to start, or should I?"  
  
"Don't you want to talk first?" Heero asked shocked by Relena's forward and abrupt approach.  
  
"Why? We never have before. Why should this time be any different?" Relena asked, her voice filled with indifference.  
  
"Relena…" Heero said, feeling unsure of what to do.  
  
"What? Am I to understand that Heero Yuy has stage fright?" Relena asked mockingly.  
  
"Huh? No, it's not that, it's just…I've never heard you speak like this."  
  
"Speak? You haven't heard me speak? You come in here in the middle of the night, kiss me or say my name to wake me up, we fuck, then you're gone. And you wonder why you haven't heard me speak this way," Relena said sarcastically throwing her arms into the air in mock exasperation.  
  
"I've been an idiot, I know that. It's just that I didn't know how to react to what I was feeling."  
  
"Feeling? You felt something for someone other than yourself?" Relena asked incredulously, "I'm shocked. Say what you will, but I know that you don't mean what you're saying."  
  
"Relena, I…"  
  
"Shut up and listen! For nearly a year you've been coming here for these little midnight trysts. We don't say a word, we just do it. Now all of a sudden you want to speak to me? I don't understand it and I don't want to. You do know that eventually this would have ended right? It may as well be now while I still have some dignity left. I gave you everything Heero, I thought you understood what I was giving you. I didn't just give you my body, I gave you my life. I gave you everything that I felt good about in myself. Now I don't have any of that. So just leave. Leave now and leave me with at least some dignity."  
  
"Relena…It was never…I mean, I knew what you were doing…I…"  
  
"Heero, just say what you're going to!!" Relena cried.  
  
Heero steeled himself and put on his emotionless mask so that she wouldn't see how much she had hurt him, "It was never about the sex. I knew what you were giving me, and I tried to give back what you gave me. After that first night, I vowed never to come back. But I did because I care for you. Being with you has been the most intense and rewarding experience…"  
  
"Stop." Relena said, her voice low with anger, effectively cutting Heero off, "How dare you come in here telling me that this was one of the most rewarding and intense experience's that you've ever had! If it really were that great, you would have stayed. You never would have left me feeling used…feeling vulnerable. You don't care for me Heero, and you never have."  
  
As Relena finished speaking, she fell to the floor in a heap of emotional turmoil. Heero for his part was at a loss. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and comfort her. Yet he knew that she would only push him away. A million thoughts rushed through his head, but the one thought that ran clearly through his mind was, 'I need to take her pain away'.  
  
Heero took out his gun and held it in his hand, unsure as to why he had even brought it out. At the sound of the safety being released, Relena's head snapped up. "So this is the way you plan to finish it eh Heero? Just kill me to get rid of your problems?" Relena sighed resigned to death. She stared down the barrel of his gun unafraid and ready to meet her maker. She was surprised however, when he turned the gun away from her and just examined it loosely in his hands.  
  
"This gun has taken more lives that I care to count. Hundreds? Thousands? Who knows how many have died by my hand," Heero said pensively as he stared at the weapon in his hands. "Even you have stood at the end of this gun on more than one occasion. And each time, I've failed to pull the trigger, yet in failing to pull the trigger, I only seem to cause you more and more pain. I should have ended it for you a long time ago, but it's too late for that now. I could never kill you. I love you too much to do that. So I'll do the one thing I can to take away your pain…"  
  
Relena watched in apprehension as Heero slowly raised the gun to his temple. As the realization of what he was about to do dawned on her, she quickly lunged at him, sending him crashing to the ground. The gun fell to the ground with a loud clatter, but thankfully didn't go off.  
  
"Heero!!" Relena cried as she looked into his face.  
  
"I'm fine, get off of me now," Heero growled as he shoved Relena off of him, and stood up.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING??" Relena roared at him, as she picked herself up off the floor. She was angry, hurt, furious…and extremely worried because Heero had just tried to kill himself.  
  
"It doesn't matter what I was thinking. You stopped me from doing it. Now I'll just be one my way before I do anything else that is completely stupid and harmful to you," he stated as he made his way to the balcony.  
  
"Damnit! Don't you walk away from me. Not after all this," Relena said as she clenched her fists.  
  
"I've hurt you enough. I don't think we have anymore reason to speak," Heero said hanging his head as he stopped, his back to Relena.  
  
"Yes we do," Relena stated as she took a tentative step towards Heero. "You and I need to talk about this. You can't come in here, attempt to kill yourself and then leave!"  
  
Heero spun around at her words, and then he heard the commotion outside her door.  
  
"Relena are you all right?!" Noin's panicked voice questioned.  
  
"Relena?!" Milliardo shouted pounding on the door.  
  
"I have to go now Relena," Heero said casting a cursory glance at the door.  
  
"No you don't, not without me." Relena stated defiantly.  
  
"What? You can't possibly come with me," Heero said finding the idea absurd.  
  
"I know that. Just please give me a minute to calm them down." Relena said determinedly.  
  
"Relena!!!!" Zechs cried as he began trying to crash through the door.  
  
"Fine then," Heero said as he made his way to the closet to hide.  
  
"I'm coming!" Relena cried as she hurriedly ran to the door to admit her brother and Noin.  
  
"Relena, are you alright?" Zechs questioned as soon as he was in her room.  
  
"Yes, I'm fine, what's all the commotion for?" Relena asked sounding totally nonplused.  
  
"We heard noise coming from your room sweetie, we just thought that maybe there was an intruder or something," Noin replied.  
  
"Huh? Oh that!" Relena giggled slightly.  
  
"What's so funny?" Zechs questioned immediately.  
  
"Well…hehe…you see…haha," Relena wheezed as she stalled, trying to think up an excuse for all the ruckus, "I was having a dream. It was rather odd and I kinda fell off of my bed. Well, I landed on the floor, and my sheets were all tangled around me, so when I stood, I fell again!"  
  
Zechs eyed his little sister suspiciously, then Noin stepped in.  
  
"You should be more careful," she chided Relena, "Do you want us to bring you anything? Milk? Sandwich?"  
  
"No, nothing at all, thanks though. I think I'll just be going back to bed." Relena stated nonchalantly, as she stifled a yawn.  
  
"OK then. Sweet dreams," Noin said sweetly as she guided Zechs away from Relena's door. Relena closed and locked the door behind her. She breathed out a sigh of relief when they were gone. Then she slowly walked toward the center of her room.  
  
"You can come out now," she whispered as she sat down at the foot of her bed, her whole body shaking.  
  
Heero emerged from the closet and ran a hand through his hair in an attempt to clear it from his eyes. He went to where his gun had fallen, picked it up, reengaged the safety, and placed it behind his back. As he neared Relena, her head snapped up and her eyes met his. She was shaking so violently. Heero didn't know if it was from anger or fear that she shook so terribly.  
  
"You should calm down," Heero soothed as best he could, still unsure as to why she was shaking.  
  
Relena took a deep breath and stood. She seemed unsteady for a few moments, but was able to remain standing. She looked at Heero, then without warning, she launched herself at him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his chest. She sobbed uncontrollably; her body once again trembled violently. Heero wrapped his arms around her small frame and held her tightly to him.  
  
"Don't cry Relena," Heero pleaded as he stroked her hair soothingly.  
  
"Damnit! Damnit!" Relena sobbed as she clutched at Heero.  
  
Heero didn't know what to do, so he did the only thing he could. He held Relena, hoping that her crying would subside soon. Eventually it did subside, and her breathing was so calm and even that Heero thought she'd fallen asleep. He picked her up in his arms and gently deposited her on the bed. As he pulled away from her, he looked to her face and was startled to find her wide-awake. The expression on her face was one that he could not read. He pulled the covers up over her and sat at the edge of the bed, waiting for her to speak. Instead of speaking though, she simply sat staring at Heero with that same unreadable expression on her face.  
  
He finally decided that he should leave Relena alone for a while so that she could gather her thoughts. The minute he made a move to leave however, Relena reached for him and took his hand in her own.  
  
"Don't," was the only word that escaped her lips as her eyes began to water again.  
  
"I won't," Heero whispered as he squeezed her hand reassuringly.  
  
"Why?" She questioned as he settled himself beside her.  
  
"Because," Heero said as he pulled her body to rest along side his, "Because I love you."  
  
"But the gun?" Relena asked uncertainly referring to his attempt to kill himself.  
  
"Because I thought it was the only way to take away your pain."  
  
"Losing you would kill me Heero. Please don't go ever again."  
  
"I'll stay for as long as you want me to." He said sincerely.  
  
"Then stay forever," Relena whispered quietly.  
  
"Only if you want me to," he replied hoping against all hope that he wasn't imagining this whole scenario.  
  
"Yes, I want you to stay," she said as she pulled him closer to her.  
  
"I'm sorry. I've hurt you, I know I have and I just don't know how I can make it right. There are still so many things I've left to sort out…I can't ask you to wait for me to figure it all out. I will stay, only because you want me to. But please don't hate me or resent me for the way I behave…" he finished in a very small and frightened voice.  
  
"Don't think about that right now. You'll have time to work through it. I'll help you, I'll be here for you. Lean on me Heero, let me be your confidante, let me be the one you lean on for support. I love you, and I'm not going to let you go." Relena finished as she raised a hand to stroke his cheek.  
  
Heero nodded his head and wrapped his arms around Relena.  
  
'Don't let go of her Heero,' his inner voice spoke up. 'She's going to be the one that saves you. Let her in. Let her love in and let it fill your soul. It'll be scary at first, but well worth it.'  
  
"Thank you," he replied.  
  
"For what Heero?" Relena asked.  
  
Heero had not realized he'd spoken out loud to himself. Rather than let Relena know he'd been talking to himself, he opted to tell her what was on his mind. "Thank you, for not turning away from me. For giving me the chance to show you that I do love you."  
  
"I have to admit, I did doubt that for a while…"  
  
"Don't ever doubt it Relena. Ever." He said as he emphasized his words with a sound kiss that Relena fully accepted.  
  
Heero rolled Relena on to her back and began to slowly worship the woman he so dearly loved. He wanted his actions here and now to show how much he loved her. He disrobed her slowly. Making sure to caress each and every inch of her body. He wanted to hear her moaning with desire for him and only him. When he had her fully undressed, he did something that he had never taken the opportunity to do. He looked down on her fully nude form. He drank in the sight of her flushed skin, her slightly parted lips, and her chest gently heaving from his ministrations. It was the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen in his life.  
  
"You're beautiful Relena." Heero sighed.  
  
Relena opened her eyes and blushed furiously. She felt self-conscious suddenly, and moved to place her hands over her chest.  
  
"No!" Heero cried softly, "Please don't ever hide yourself from me. I wanted to see you, I've never fully seen you, and now that I have…I can't describe how it feels…"  
  
"Oh Heero," Relena sighed as she pulled him down towards her. He kissed her even more passionately than before. He quickly removed his own clothing and settled himself on top of her. He marveled at how soft and glorious her skin felt against his own. He kissed her once more before he slowly slid himself into her wetness.  
  
"Ah, Relena," he groaned as he fully seated himself in her.  
  
"So good," Relena said softly as she raised her hips against his.  
  
Together they set a slow steady rhythm. Both of them touching and kissing one another with hopeless abandon. Heero picked up the pace as soon as he felt Relena's inner muscles starting to clamp around him. He kissed her hard and she cried into his kiss as she came around him. The pulsating of her muscles around him and the passion and love he felt for her made him come right after she did. They lay together, both completely exhausted and totally satisfied.  
  
'This is the beginning of something beautiful Heero. Don't let go.'  
  
'Don't let go,' Heero smiled to himself as he held Relena close to himself. 'No, I don't think I ever will'  
  
With that final thought in his head, Heero fell into a peaceful sleep. He had the opportunity for a new beginning. He was scared, but ready to take the chance, so long as he had Relena by his side.  
  
~END~  
  
Well, by all means tell me what you think. All comments and criticism can be directed me or at: rhiannon_1998@yahoo.com  
  
--Rhiannon 6/01 


End file.
